In-laws 101

By Marjorie

One thing that comes with the nuptials is the inheritance of in-laws. And for my husband, he has inherited five sisters-in-law and a brother-in-law, a clan that is young, rambunctious and tight-knit.

This type of family (my family) is one that would scare off a lot of potential mates, but Tyler definitely took the bull by the horns and made himself right at home. And for me, this was a big step.

When family is a top priority, as it is for me and Tyler, it’s extremely important to find a partner who not only accepts your family, but enjoys their company and won’t mind tolerating them for the rest of his or her life. After all, every holiday and every major event from marriage on will be surrounded with in-laws.

And when looking back, Tyler and I learned our lesson about in-laws long before we said our “I do’s,” and I recall the moment as if it were yesterday.

It was New Year’s Eve last year. Tyler and I were playing a game with his little sister and his dad when the ultimate question arose. Tyler’s dad asked him, “Whose side do you take if Marjorie and Mom disagree on something?”

Tyler thought about it.

He looked at me cautiously, and then looked at his dad yearning for advice, or at least an indicator that would suggest the right answer. Then the silence broke, and Tyler squealed, “Mom’s.”

My eyes bulged in dismay, Tyler’s dad burst out laughing and his sister sat in silence.

In an attempt to explain, or redeem, himself, Tyler stammered, “Well, we aren’t married yet and until we are… I mean… I guess it would depend on the situation.… What’s wrong with saying Mom?”

This was our first lesson on in-laws.

My future father-in-law explained to Tyler that there are some things that change after marriage and suggested that Tyler rethink his statement or else he’ll be in for a world of surprise.

Now I wouldn’t take it that far, but we did learn a valuable piece of advice that day: No matter the circumstances, always take your spouse’s side if he or she disagrees with your family. After marriage your spouse needs your support and you need to be the No. 1 supporter.

However, I did agree with my father-in-law over Tyler last New Year’s Eve when he suggested Tyler rethink his answer, and I still question whether Tyler would take my side or his mom’s.

Holiday surprise

By Sarah

The first Christmas Tony and I decided to spend together was tough.

The arrangements worked out perfectly: Tony’s parents like celebrating on Christmas Eve, while my family has always been big on celebrating on Christmas day, so we simply dedicated a day to each.

However, that first year, we discovered that his parents wanted to open gifts at midnight – which took at least two hours to go through – and mine were expecting to have breakfast early on Christmas Day. We were exhausted! And felt bad that we had to take off immediately after opening gifts at Tony’s parents and that we weren’t chipper for my parents the next day. Plus, Tony struggled with the idea of not seeing his parents on Christmas Day and I struggled not being able to spend a lot of time with my brother while he was in town.

The holidays are likely where you will deal with some of the biggest emotions as you adjust to your new life as a married couple. It will require you to shed some traditions and gain others, negotiate on many sides and learn how to set aside time for the two of you.

Here are some tips for surviving your first holiday together:

Be open early on about which events and traditions are most important to each side of the family and prioritize which ones you will participate in. Don’t try to do it all! People will (or should) understand you have other commitments now.

Compromise. Especially if your families live in different cities, you may have to alternate holidays. Try to balance the time in a way that seems fair to all parties, but also make it clear to each side that you can’t be there for everything.

Accept change. Sure, it was emotional not to spend a lazy Christmas Eve with my family watching Christmas movies or to wake up to the smell of Christmas breakfast cooking in the oven, but it was fun laughing over a game of Scrabble with Tony’s folks and having a few quiet minutes together Christmas morning.

Start new traditions. Make sure you and your husband find time to be together. One of our favorite traditions we started is driving around to look at holiday lights the weekend before Christmas.

Rest assured: After that first year, it becomes much easier as you develop new patterns.

1,072 pictures

By Marjorie

More than a thousand pictures? You have to be kidding me.

There is no way – not even a slight chance – that I can sort through 1,072 pictures and not want to buy all of them. I understand photography is a business, but I didn’t think it was an enterprise of trickery. The trick being they take extremely nice photos of you and then give you more than you need to choose from so that you’ll purchase enough to break your piggy bank.

Goodness gracious!

Don’t get me wrong I’m delighted they took so many wonderful pictures and that I look absolutely fabulous in about 900 of them, but they should have at least caught me picking my nose or adjusting my bodice. Then I wouldn’t have so many good ones to choose from and could eliminate the “caught off guard” ones.

But no; the photographers did exactly what they were paid to do, and now I am in a predicament. And until you get your proofs back from the photographers, you will have absolutely no idea how many photographs they took or how many you will have to select from. Trust me: It will be plenty.

A photographer is there to capture the moment, and every moment will be caught on camera.

Photos of the wedding party, the groom’s family, the bride’s family, the bride and groom alone, the limousine, the entrance into the reception, the cake cutting, the first dance – you get my point.

So in response to their click-happy fingers that day, here I am faced with a deadline that extends 45 days, and all I can do is repeatedly flip through the proofs googly-eyed over our wedding pictures.

I know eventually I will have to harden up and choose about a tenth of what the photographers offered, but I just really don’t know if I can bring myself to part with the other 900 photos.

I mean after all, I looked damn good that day and I definitely don’t want to forget it.

Painting a perfect picture

By Marjorie

I’ve been taught my whole life that if I don’t like something, I should keep quiet and be polite, on the grounds that it would be rude to behave otherwise.

However, at 9 a.m. on the day of my wedding, I couldn’t keep quiet any longer and I rudely blurted out to my hairstylist, “Sorry, I really don’t mean to offend you, but I absolutely hate my hair.”

This abrupt and blunt change of heart left my hairstylist at a loss for words.

Not only had we done two trials prior to the big day that looked similar to my showcase ’do, but I had also told her I loved it those two times – being polite and doing the right thing, or so I thought.

But at that moment, when my hairstylist looked as though she wanted to wrap the curling iron cord around my neck, I realized that holding off until just two hours before pictures was definitely not the right thing to do.

Yet, with very little time until my bridal debut, we pulled off a classic, simple and elegant hairdo that I honestly – without holding my tongue – loved.

This change of heart, and complete change in appearance, is something I am so grateful for. Had I not said anything, had I kept quiet and been “polite,” I would have regretted it.

And as it turns out, my hair was like the cherry on top of the sundae; it completed my entire look. I felt that every aspect of getting ready that day – my makeup, my dress, my nails, my jewelry, my shoes and even my hair – painted a picture that looked perfect.

Everything was the way I wanted it to be. From the darker eye makeup than usual to the 14-inch hair extensions – which I encourage any bride with thin hair to invest in – I felt like a goddess.

So I encourage every bride out there, that when it comes to speaking up, whether it’s to your stylist two hours before the wedding or to your photographer about the types of shots you want, it’s your day. You want to look perfect and you want everything to be perfect, and for this one moment in your life, it can and will be perfect. I promise.

I'm married!

By Marjorie

You know that feeling of anxiety, the one that sits in your stomach like a fluttering butterfly, or the one that gives you a heightened sense awareness and makes you feel as though you put one too many shots of espresso in your morning latte?

After having that feeling for four months straight, it is finally gone.

Seventeen days ago, I kissed that feeling goodbye and instead, kissed my new husband for the first time, dolled up in a wedding dress that fit perfectly, standing next to the most amazing and handsome man in the world.

“I now introduce to you, Mr. and Mrs. Tyler Simoens.”

My life changed once those 10 words were uttered from the officiant’s mouth; months of stress were gone, butterflies were flapping like crazy in my stomach, but for all the right reasons, and my love for Tyler exploded into a feeling I never thought was possible.

I was married!

This was the moment I had been dreaming about since I was a little girl, and it just happened; the glory, the bliss, the life-high were indescribable, and the moment stood still.

All the months of planning and the stress of trying to make everything perfect were a challenge that, at that moment, reaped the biggest reward of my life.

The ceremony plays back in my head, over and over, and the vows are engraved in my heart. Somehow, Tyler managed to escape saying our vows with just watery eyes, whereas I could barely manage my quivering lip, and eventually, the tears began to roll down my cheeks.

Everything was so much more emotionally charged than I had ever anticipated. The rings, the “I do’s,” and everything in between made me feel as though I was in fairy tale and I was the princess.

The feeling has yet to subside, and I’m not sure it ever will.

It’s incredible how much more your heart can grasp on to someone else’s after those words are spoken and you essentially become one person. My love for Tyler grew exponentially that day, and I have a feeling it’s never going to stop growing.

Accessorize!

By Sarah

You found the perfect dress, put in your order, and now you just have to wait six months until it arrives. Right?

Actually I was amazed by how many other things you need to complete a wedding outfit. I’m not just talking earrings and shoes, but also slips, sashes, shawls, bras and purses.

First of all, make sure you budget for all these accessories because they add up quickly. Then start shopping even before you try on wedding dresses for the first time. Here’s a rundown of some of the accessories you’ll need to consider:

Underneath:

Most bridal boutiques provide the bra and slip (the big poofy kind) for you to try on with dresses, which you can usually purchase. But, you may want to go to a lingerie shop to at least get fitted for a bra or bustier beforehand to ensure that it fits right. Bring it with you when you try on dresses.

Shoes:

Not only should they be comfortable, but you also want to make sure the height of the heal works with the length of your dress. I recommend ordering a couple of pairs of shoes of varying height (check the return policy first) before your first dress fitting and see which pair works the best. My biggest mistake was buying a $100 pair of shoes that I couldn’t return and finding out they were an inch too short for the dress. It is cheaper to get the right height of shoe than alter your dress. Also note that Des Moines has a very limited selection of bridal shoes, so expand your search online.

Bling:

Before you go out and buy expensive earrings or a necklace, raid your mother’s or grandmother’s jewelry chest to see if you can find an embellished gem. You may discover a broach that can make a cool hair accessory or some diamond earrings that will match your fancy dress without you paying a dime. Or see if you can borrow items from your friends who have already gotten married, especially a veil, which can cost more than $100. Most wedding jewelry is more over-the-top than you’d normally wear, so it’s better to borrow than spend for just one day.

Another tip: Try on your accessories with your dress to make sure they match. Just because a piece of jewelry is covered in diamonds and pearls doesn’t mean it will work with the total outfit. I’m also not a big fan of wearing too much jewelry – just earrings – so that you don’t compete with your dress.

Other ideas:

Consider tying an elegant sash in the color of your bridesmaids’ dresses around your waist.

Buy a delicate shawl to wear outside if your wedding is in a colder month.

Don’t forget a little purse to hold essentials such as makeup, pins and tissues.

Mixing of heritage

By Sarah

Getting married is like Christmas Day over and over again. Engagement parties, showers, bachelorette parties and the wedding itself leave you and your husband with carloads full of fancy new gifts that transform your home from college-dorm living into something fit for dinner parties and picky family members.

But despite the gorgeous Oriental rug that adorns our living room, the artistic platters that decorate our bookshelves and a kitchen full of state-of-the-art appliances, the best gifts we received were the little things. A guest book with handmade notes that my mom asked our closest friends to create and send ahead of the wedding. A girls’ night a couple of months before the wedding. Albums filled with Tony and my childhood photos.

Looking back now, the most memorable was a recipe book.

Again my mom came up with the idea and enlisted maybe a hundred family members and friends in her scheme. As a few of us gathered for a kitchen-themed shower, she presented me with the plain recipe binder thick with index cards people had sent in.

My Great-Grandma Miller’s gravy recipe now in the hands of the fourth generation, Tony’s Aunt Nancy’s famous Italian beef and the egg casserole we used to devour at team breakfasts after swim practice. There were notes, too, one of which explained that the recipes a friend contributed had won her husband’s heart (or at least his stomach). Another was from Tony’s great-aunt, which said her grandson used to enjoy the dish before he moved to Japan. There was even an adorable photo of Tony, as a child, sitting on top of the fridge.

All of it was compiled, our heritage through food, and mixed together to create something greater.

Now food-stained and worn, the book has proved useful many times in coming up with an impressive dish for a party or a last-minute dinner. But more important, it is a constant reminder of our foundation – the coming together of two families – and the new traditions, memories and recipes melded together in the index cards still to be written.

Check yes or no

By Marjorie

I never realized how important an RSVP card is until now, when I am less than one week away from the big day and the caterers are crawling down my back wanting a final head count for dinner.

To date, I have yet to receive formal RSVPs from nearly half of the people who received invitations. And not only did I provide the RSVP and the return stamp, but I even designed it into a postcard so it could be easily slipped into the mail.

However, to my dismay, half of my bridal party, nearly all of my siblings, and even a few cousins, have failed to drop the little postcard in the mail. Furthermore, the only people who have sent RSVPs are those who plan on attending, leaving very few who have “declined with regret.”

So in response to the lack of returned RSVPs, my theory stands that even if an invited guest is unable to attend, it is common courtesy to drop the RSVP in the mail and inform the soon-to-be-married couple of your regretful absence. By doing this, you’ll help the bride and groom more adequately and accurately budget for the reception.

And for those who plan on attending, inform the bride and groom of how many people will be attending in your party. Yes, a simple check mark next to the “accept with pleasure” is nice, but a number tells so much more – like the amount of food the caterer needs to cook and, in the end, how much the reception is going to cost.

Yet, in light of my hypocrisy, I stop my ranting.

I throw my hands up in the air and surrender to those who have not RSVP’d, because I, too, am that person that fails to RSVP. I am the person past brides have bickered about, and I am sure I have thrown off a few head counts in my day.

But I promise that from here on out, I will send back every RSVP that comes my way, whether it’s marked “2 accept with pleasure” or “2 decline with regret.” I pledge that I will no longer be “that person.”

Give thanks

By Sarah

I have been to two weddings recently where the couple did not send a thank-you card after the event. There is nothing more disappointing to a guest than to buy an expensive gift and take a Saturday of his or her time to get dressed up and spend it focused on you, and then receive no acknowledgement.

Even if you’ve been close friends for years and years and they enjoyed the party, it still leaves people bitter not to receive a note stating that you appreciate their support and all of the new luxuries you now have to fill your home. It makes you seem ungrateful for their presence.

This is not just me ranting about not getting a card. I have had several people from the same parties mention their surprise at not receiving a thank-you. People expect it. They wait for it. And if they don’t get one, they talk about it.

Sure, you’ve been busy all year planning for this day and the last thing you want to do is spend another 100 hours writing cards to 500 guests. Plus, you’ve already thrown them a big party and spent loads on food, wine, party favors and more. But still, people want that personal touch. And honestly, if you just set your mind to getting it done, it’s not that bad.

Here’s some tips on writing thank-yous:

1. Start writing a thank-you as soon after you receive the gift as possible. The excitement will still be there, which will come out in your words. Plus, it’s polite to send the card within two to three weeks of receiving the gift (or after your honeymoon) – and it will keep relatives from calling your parents!

2. Set a goal. After arriving home from our honeymoon, my husband and I immediately decided to write five to 10 thank-you cards a day. In two weeks, all the notes were out the door.

3. Split up the work. Just because most of your gifts were for the kitchen, which doesn’t appeal to your fiancé, doesn’t mean he’s off the hook. He should write his own cards to his relatives and close friends.

4. Thank the person for the gift, say how it will help you and then try to add a line that relates to something personal between the two of you, such as you enjoyed the dance at the wedding or you look forward to seeing them at a specific event in the future.

5. Order your cards before the wedding; that way you can start writing notes as soon as you get back from your vacation, rather than waiting a month for one with a wedding photo on it. Even a simple card with your initials on it is fine, or a postcard from your trip.

Yes, it’s daunting to write hundreds of cards after you’ve already spent so much time planning the event. But it’s the perfect touch to end an already perfect wedding.

A list a mile long

By Marjorie

One of my bridesmaid’s dresses is in China. My flower girl has a black eye. The church scheduled the annual Fall Bazaar for the same weekend as our wedding, and rehearsal dinner plans had to be changed just three weeks before the big day.

Needless to say, the wedding is just 20 days away and plenty of things still need to fall into place. So in a last-minute scramble to get all my ducks in a row, I must charge on and get through it for just 20 more days.

And in order to do that, I advise every bride to make a master to-do list. Not only will you be able to visualize all the things that still need to be done, but a making a to-do list can prevent a frenzied bride from forgetting the smallest, yet most important details.

Also, a to-do list can provide you with a sense of accomplishment. And even though the list appears to only get longer, and longer … and longer, you will still be able to cross things off and feel like things are getting done.

As an example for other brides-to-be, I have provided my to-do list. Not only will you see all the things that start creeping up less than three weeks before the big day, but hopefully you will feel more secure as you notice I still have a lot to do!

• Place the order with the caterer for rehearsal dinner

• Call and bug relatives who haven’t sent in RSVPs

• Meet with the church organist to plan ceremony music

• Design and print ceremony programs

• Call and secure official start time with the photographer

• Call the reception hall with final head count

• I still need a veil – schedule a time to try dress on and pick out veil at same time

• Find my jewelry, bridesmaids’ jewelry and something for the flower girl

• Buy ring bearer pillow and flower girl basket

• Find a guest book, cake-cutting utensils and champagne toasting flutes

• Think of bridesmaids’ gifts and then buy them

• Send out bridal shower thank-yous

I’m sure I’m forgetting a million things, but from the looks of it, I better get busy!

Our biggest mistake

By Sarah

There it was. A burgundy card held together by two curving flaps with “Sarah” and “Tony” punched on opposite ends. An eighth-inch strip of gold paper lined the outside and inside the words were printed on a delicate cream paper with burgundy leaves dotted throughout. The masterpiece was tied together with an elegant gold bow.

It was perfect, my mom and I decided – after a couple glasses of wine – except for one minor detail. We had to make 299 more.

I would have given up on such a lofty project early on, but my mom insisted it would make an impression on our guests (in her defense, it did), and she couldn’t give up the idea that the invitations wouldn’t be as glorious as the one we first produced. So, my dad was put on operations duty, coming up with a jig we could use to carve the paper, figuring out how to glue all the paper so it wouldn’t leave wrinkles and determining what kind of paper worked best. Then he and I dug into cutting, gluing and assembling, which took MONTHS to complete.

All for invitations.

Having been through such a stressful, time-consuming process, I leave you with this advice: Don’t make your own invitations.

Unless they are very simple and still look professional, it is not worth your time, all for the sake of a piece of paper (or several in our case) that people will eventually throw out. Plus, by the time we bought paper, envelopes, cutting boards, printers, stamps and glue, we realized it probably wasn’t that much cheaper (in fact, it could have been more costly) than if we hired someone to print our invites.

In all, the process gave us some laughs, especially on that final night, when I dragged my fiancé over to my parents’ house to prepare the invitations for the mail. He and my dad were in a competition to see if they could get all 300 envelopes printed without messing up, because it meant starting the entire printing process over again, while my mom tied ribbons until her fingers literally bled and I stuffed them into envelopes.

My mom still asks whether all the blood, sweat and tears were worth it for one amazing presentation. In her mind, they were so magnificent that the thought of all the effort it took to get there has vanished. For me, it remains a cloud that mars my view of them. I can’t help thinking about all those hours we spent making them and all the other things I could have been doing. I still tell her: No way!

Clashing realities

By Marjorie

Getting lost in the chaos of wedding planning can make you forget about what’s really important: the simple things and the real people that matter most in life. But this past weekend, I took a step back, put things in perspective and realized that for both Tyler and me, it’s family that matters the most.

Just a couple of weeks ago, Tyler found out that his grandfather had been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer and given just six months to live. Being the oldest grandson and still having all of his grandparents, Tyler was devastated.

Here we were, planning the best day of our life – our wedding – and at the same time, having to preparing for something awful – the loss of a grandparent.

The clashing of those two realities quickly put things in perspective and made me realize that all the insignificant details I’ve been preoccupied with mean nothing when compared with having his grandpa there with us on our wedding day.

So this past weekend, Tyler and I found ourselves in his grandfather’s company, spending time with him before it’s too late.

Learning about his childhood and how he was one of 13 children, hearing the story about how he proposed to his wife and at the same time discovered his mother was pregnant, and hearing over and over how proud he is of his family, the stories went on.

This is one man who has definitely lived a full life and has reaped the benefits of a 50-year marriage. He has eight children, 14 grandchildren and an acre of land he bought back in the ’80s that he planned to build his dream home on.

“I’m a lucky man,” he said standing in the kitchen with just Tyler and me. “I’ll be 69 if I make it to November.”

Hearing those words made everything set in, and the reality hit us pretty hard. The entire fret about the invitations and the arguments about the rehearsal dinner are simple things that have no value when compared with family.

So with a few more laughs, tears and a big hug goodbye, his grandpa said with a wink, “Hopefully I’ll see you at the wedding.”

Hopefully.

More wedding ideas

By Sarah

I attended my third wedding of the year this past weekend and again was amazed by the creativity of the bride and groom. So, I thought I’d pass along a few of my favorite ideas:

Trolley: A trolley took the wedding party and significant others on a tour of downtown Dubuque before arriving at the hotel. Not only was it a romantic way to travel, but the trolley also had much more room than a limousine.

Personal touches: The bride and groom used the skills of friends and family, including asking a friend to sing in the ceremony and a bridesmaid, who graduated from culinary school, to make the cakes. Those not in the wedding party gathered the morning of the ceremony to help decorate the reception hall, which made us feel excited and involved.

Simple décor: Alternating green and cream-colored plates with a candle held in a jar surrounded by glittery fake fall leaves was all that was needed to dress the tables, and it probably saved a ton on flowers.

DJ requests: I’m not sure whether these were requested by friends or whether the bride and groom gave the DJ a list, but he periodically played a song that was personal to the bride or groom and got them up dancing with the crowd. It might not be a bad idea to give the DJ a short list of songs to play and why they’re important to you.

Kid fun: They had coloring books and toys for kids to play with during dinner, which helped keep them from getting too antsy.

Buffet outside: The food was served outside the reception hall, which kept guests from lining up around tables, congesting up the room, and making other guests sitting at tables feel awkward.

Brunch: The bride and groom had a separate room in the hotel where guests could gather for brunch, and while people ate and talked, they opened gifts, rather than making people watch them open gifts for hours.

The not-so-small things

By Marjorie

It’s getting down to crunch time, and in the midst of invitations, cake consultations and tuxedo fittings, my future husband and I stand in a whirlwind of chaos, uncertainty and stress.

I had heard that all of those “small things” just kind of fall into place, but as it turns out, those things aren’t so small and instead of falling into place, they are all over the place.

There are so many “small” things orbiting like planets around my head, jumping like sheep in my sleep and getting added to my list of things to do that I can’t make sense of it all. I don’t know if I am forgetting something or what that something would even be.

And oh yeah, did I get the list of addresses from my mother?

I feel as though it would be easier to throw my papers up in the air, storm out of the room and fly to Las Vegas and just have Elvis marry us. Not only would it cost less, but the fret of remembering the million “small things” wouldn’t haunt me 24/7.

And in spite of it all, people keep telling me “not to worry.” Not to worry, I ask. They aren’t the ones getting married; they aren’t the ones that have yet to order a flower girl dress, have yet to find a cake decorator, and are still invitation-less.

Oh dear! If only people had warned me of the true reality of those not-so-small things, then I would have been prepared. Instead, I had friends and relatives assuring me that all these things would fall into place, as though planning a wedding was as simple as putting together a 25-piece cat puzzle designed for a 2-year-old. Well, it’s not as easy as a 25-piece cat puzzle, and it definitely seems like there are more than 25 things going on at once, that don’t fit nicely together.

So, my advice to you: Don’t wait and let all those “small things” go until the month before your wedding. They aren’t small, they aren’t easy and they don’t just magically fall into place.

Start working on the small things as early as you can. Order your cake when you choose your reception hall, order your flower girl dress when you order your own dress, and please don’t wait until four weeks before the big day to start thinking about invitations.

Save the date

By Sarah

I admit, it sounds weird, sending out invitations to let people know that an invitation will be on its way in a few months.

But in today’s fast-paced society, Save the Date cards are a great way to let your guests know early on that they need to keep your wedding day open. It helps ensure that you have the most guests possible come, as well as gives guests who are coming from out of town a chance to make travel arrangements early. Plus, you can drive them to a Web site, where they can watch for updates and get excited about the festivities ahead, without calling you for that information. Trust me, you’ll be busy enough.

Here are some tips when thinking about Save the Date cards:

· Send them out six to eight months in advance. Otherwise, they’re invitations.

· Do something cheap, simple and fun, versus an invitation, which is more formal. We made magnets, which many of my friends still have on their refrigerators. Also consider a small calendar with the date circled, a postcard with a picture of the two of you shortly after your engagement, or a puzzle. Make it something people will want to leave out as a reminder of the event.

· Keep the wording simple. You don’t have to give directions to the church or where you’re registered. Just tell them the date and the city, then send them to a Web site or give them a number to call for additional information, such as hotel options for out-of-town guests.

· Finalize your guest list before sending them out. Yes, it will be stressful getting this done early, but then it will be done for the rest of the year. This includes getting complete names and addresses, and deciding whether you’re inviting kids or allowing people to bring guests. It’s better for people to know up front than to make arrangements and have things change.

Anybody have any other suggestions or do something interesting for their Save the Date card?

The 70 percent rule

By Marjorie

There is wedding lingo I have come across that I didn’t even know existed, and wedding planners who throw around jargon as though a first-timer is supposed to understand it. Phrases, rules, words, countdowns – whoa, this is my first time getting married. I know I’m not supposed to be familiar with this, am I?

And there is one rule in particular that I have heard over and over again, in different ways, in different tones and from different people.

“Approximately 70 percent of the people you invite to your wedding will actually attend.”
“Plan for 70 percent of your total invited guests.”
“You know the rule of 70, don’t you?”
“What! You’ve never heard of the 70 percent rule?”

Needless to say, the 70 percent rule is important, and any person you come across while planning a wedding will more than likely remind you of it. And to give them some credit, the rule has been helpful when planning how much food to order, and believe it or not, how many items to put on the gift registry.

It’s a golden wedding equation that looks something like so:

Total number of invited guests x 0.7 = Number of guests who will actually attend

Apparently, nobody knows why this rule is accurate, but it is.

So taking it in stride, I have started to apply this rule sporadically during my planning ventures and have come to realize that our wedding reception might not be as pocket-draining as I had initially thought. And so I stress: Use this rule when drafting your final head count for your reception.

Originally, I had planned on an extravagantly large reception with a total bill much greater than any parent would wish for. But, after applying the 70 percent rule, I am now planning for a less grand reception, which I’m sure will put a little more hop in my parents’ step.

A DJ that works

By Sarah Bzdega

I am not a big fan of disc jockeys at weddings. Oftentimes, they blare songs people have heard thousands of times from a totally ’80s play list, like to hear themselves talk, or try to get the crowd involved in silly dances, such as the chicken dance or the electric slide. By the end of the night, most of the guests are outside talking, minus a few stragglers.

But as I flew back late at night after a whirlwind tour of the East Coast, which included a stop in Providence, R.I., for a wedding reception, I began thinking about the party and how much I enjoyed the dancing.

Here’s what I think made the difference:

· The dance floor was in the center of the room, not hidden in some dingy corner, so people felt involved in what was going on.

· The dinner was set up as three stations, so people were forced to get up and walk around to try different dishes, which also made them more comfortable getting up from their tables to hit the dance floor while others were eating.

· The married couple had their first dance before dinner, which made guests feel comfortable getting up to dance during dinner.

· The bride and groom were into the music, which encouraged the rest of us to join them.

· The tunes were tasteful – no hokeypokey, chicken dance, or other prescribed dance. Just good classics that appealed to a wide age group and were a good mix of fast and slow songs.

So, my best advice would be that if you decide to go with a DJ (for which I can’t blame you, because it is a lot cheaper than a band), make sure you look at ways to get and keep people involved. Skip the dollar dance and the cheesy songs with set moves that force half the crowd to remain antsy in their chairs, spell out exactly what you want and do not want the DJ to do, and focus on classics that appeal to the broader crowd. Then, get your dancing shoes on, because they’ll be waiting for you to make the first move.

A table for 50, please

By Marjorie

My fiancé’s father has been asking me for months what our plans are for rehearsal dinner. And for months, I have told him that the next time I see him, I will have a better idea. Needless to say, I still don’t have a plan, and my future father-in-law is still waiting.

So with pressure from my fiancé to “hurry up and pick something,” I have finally begun to weigh my options. However, with more than 50 people attending our rehearsal, and a picky bride-to-be, it’s just not that simple.

When planning to feed a large group the night before an extremely special day, I want to make sure my food selection and venue are perfect for the occasion, just as you should do. Some things that I have noticed, which I personally think are very important when planning a rehearsal dinner, are:

Ambience: Is there soft lighting, with dinner music humming in the background, or is there harsh overhead lighting with karaoke in the back corner?

Space: Will there be enough room for the children to run around and not feel confined, or will we be clustered in a claustrophobic party room?

Comfort: While we’re handing out gifts and making announcements, will the whole restaurant be gawking or we will be comfortably speaking only to our guests?

Food: Will the food fill the guests and leave them feeling pleasant the next day, or will my groom be regretting his overload on gourmet Mexican? Do I want to cater food, or go to a restaurant and have my guests choose?

Drinks: Will I provide a certain amount of free drinks to my guests, and will those drinks include alcoholic beverages?

I could keep the options going and weigh them for eternity, but with my wedding exactly 75 days from today, I don’t really have that option. So, with my indecisiveness taking a back seat and my “hurry up and pick something” fiancé winning the battle, I have promised my father-in-law-to-be that I will have a concrete answer for him by the end of the week.

Let’s hope I stick to my word.

Bring on the food

By Sarah

Picking a caterer was more of an afterthought. We already had a great reception site, and the person who rented it, John Maher, also had a successful catering service (with stories, such as serving a U.S. president). Why not go with him?

But what I didn’t realize was that we still had a lot of decisions to make. I had assumed we would have a buffet dinner, because that’s what I had experienced at weddings before. But suddenly Maher was suggesting things, such as serving heavy hors d’oeurves instead of a full dinner and having less chairs than guests to encourage people to mingle. His ideas seemed gutsy. Would the older guests respond favorably? Would people have enough to eat?

One by one he washed away these false notions with solutions, such as having a waitress serve guests who couldn’t walk around easily and having a wait staff bring around trays of food in addition to setting up food stations around the room so people would feel comfortable eating a full meal.

I also realized that what bothers me about most weddings is being confined to a table with the same guests for most of the night. The hors d’oeurves concept let guests catch up with more than just a handful of people. The noise level was higher and people stayed longer.

The only downside: Tony and I had maybe two bites of food the entire night. It was a worthwhile tradeoff.

Here are a few things to consider when looking at food options for the reception:

1. Think about what kind of catering service you want while choosing your reception site. Most sites come with their own chef and you will be confined to their abilities. While Maher offered creative ideas, another site we looked at didn't get the hors d’ourves concept. In fact, the planner way underestimated the amount of food we would need!

2. Get a realistic menu up front that includes a variety of options, especially for vegetarians. Stress, especially with the hors d’ourves-style meal, that you need enough food to fill your guests.

3. Talk about food options and ask for samples ahead of time. Actually, we never tried Maher’s food beforehand, but just the way he described his craft made us realize that he took a lot of pride in his work and wouldn’t follow prescribed recipes.

4. Get a price estimate up front, which includes costs beyond food, such as wait staff wages and supplies. Keep in mind that having a hors d’ourves-style meal, especially if the foods are more creative than traditional appetizers, may be comparable to a three-course sit-down meal.

5. Take into account tips for the wait staff. Sometimes these are built into your contract. Otherwise, it’s about 10 to 15 percent of food and drink (labor costs only) and $20 to $25 per bartender. Usually the owner of the catering business doesn’t expect a tip, but a thank you note that can be used as a testimonial is appreciated.

6. Plan on having snacks left out all night. After a few drinks and plenty of dancing, some guests might need a little nourishment before heading home.

7. Have someone deliver food to where you and your husband will stay that night or ask for a take-out bag from the caterer. You’ll probably be starving by then!

8. Complement the head chef by putting his name by the menu choices in the invitations or in a framed menu by one of the food stations at the reception. Ask permission first.

Little moments

By Marjorie

Having a “moment” with your fiancé is important. It’s that moment when all of your worries and doubts fly out the window and you are given the reassurance deep in your heart that this person is your best friend and soulmate. These moments should be captured as they happen, cherished forever and appreciated for what they are.

And for me, there is one moment that stands out above the rest.

It was just a few weeks after our engagement and Tyler had come into town to visit me for the weekend. Unfortunately, I had a Saturday morning meeting and had to rush across town just to make it there in time. With my stomach nearly eating away at itself, I sent Tyler a text message telling him how extremely hungry I was.

Knowing that I would be home in under an hour, Tyler took it upon himself to surprise me with a breakfast feast for two, complete with eggs, bacon, French toast and fruit.

Unaware of the banquet that awaited me, it didn’t take too long for me to discover that it had gone terribly wrong.

Opening the door to the apartment building, I immediately started to smell something burning. The stench got stronger as I approached my apartment door, and much to my surprise, there was smoke billowing out from under my door. I panicked!

I swung the door open, and there was Tyler in a cloud of smoke; standing there in his boxers with a blackened frying pan full of crisp bacon in one hand and a pan of charcoaled eggs in the other. I was in a loss for words.

And that’s when I had my moment.

Seeing the look on his face and the burnt food in the frying pans, I knew he wanted this surprise breakfast to be a success more than anything. He sheepishly put the pans down and explained to me that he was just trying to make my morning better. But little did he know he had just made my whole week.

Seeing all the effort he put into that breakfast made me realize that this man would do anything for me – even burn down an apartment building. His boyish grin and failed cooking efforts were adorable.

Needless to say, I captured this moment and definitely appreciate it for what it was.

Next time your fiancé has a “moment,” capture it, appreciate it and reminisce about it months later – it’ll remind you of how simple love really is.

Picking a florist

By Sarah Bzdega

Finding the right florist is like looking for Mr. Right. OK, it’s not as if you’re going to marry the person. But it is someone you will work closely with over the next few months to make your wedding’s realty match your vision. Many also serve the role of decorator and for a handsome fee will help set up the entire scene.

My mother and I went on four “dates” with people from different flower shops. The first woman smiled, nodded at everything I said, and then when I looked around the room, I realized everything she had was way more elaborate and glamorous than the casual and rustic wedding I wanted. Another florist never got back to me with an estimate – even after we talked for more than an hour and she assured me she would call in a week. Another was close to matching my vision, but didn’t quite have the spark I was looking for.

Then, at our last appointment, I found Heather of Heather’s Secret Garden. I knew I had found the right person when we started off talking about triathlons. When we finally dove into flowers, she didn’t just nod her head with approval. She offered suggestions and drew out a design to see if she understood what I was saying. She just got it!

Her laid-back personality may have made my always-on-top-of-things mother a bit nervous, but I loved her creative and fun ideas and found it refreshing after spending so much time dealing with tedious to-do lists. We spent a couple of evenings sorting through decorations my mom had lying around her house or walking through Sticks, our reception site, playing with concepts. And when I finally walked into the room on our wedding day, it wasn’t exactly how I imagined. But it was stunning!

Here are a few tips to keep in mind when searching for a florist:

• Set up an appointment beforehand and plan on about one hour per meeting.
  

• Have an idea of what you want before you get there. Florists want to hear your ideas before they take artistic license. My mom and I flipped through several books beforehand and brought in pictures to show what concepts we liked.
  

• Trust the experts. They have been through many weddings before and might have ideas you hadn’t thought of or good advice, such as two flower arrangements on either end of the altar look better than one giant piece in the middle. The final scene will never be exactly what you first envision, but it should still be impressive.
  

• Unless you have a family member whose style you love and whose work ethic you admire, find a florist who will set up the decorations and flowers for you. It will cost more, but setting it up yourself will be way more work than you imagine.
  

• Save money by using decorations you already have, such as a wreath or candlesticks. We also rented some candleholders and table displays from Puttin' on the Ritz.
  
  
• Ask for an estimate before committing. (Keep in mind, flowers and decor can cost a fortune, way into the thousands!) The florist should have an estimate within two weeks of your meeting.

It’s more than just cake

By Marjorie

I have a little four-inch photograph cut out of a magazine of my dream cake. I found it a couple of months ago, and since then, have not been able to part with it. It’s a four tier, square cake with white fondue frosting and black lace overlay. It’s absolutely the most gorgeous cake I have ever laid eyes on.

And having this particular cake for my wedding made all the sense in the world to me. My wedding is a black-and-white affair, the bridesmaid dresses have black lace on the bodices, and its contemporary square shape mixed with the elegant lace overlay – it’s just fabulous! It matches everything to a T.

So with my four-inch torn clipping in hand, I went to my dad and showed him my dream cake. My dad paid for the cakes at my sisters’ weddings, and so to follow the trend, he’s paying for mine. Explaining to him how important it was to get every detail as seen in the magazine, he smiled, took the photo and said he’d take care of it.

A few days later, my dad called, explaining to me that his fiancé’s sister is a cake decorator and she is going to do my cake. Wonderful, I thought! Having someone linked to the family decorating my cake gave me reassurance that this cake would be everything I wanted.

Unfortunately that didn’t happen. My dad called a few days later and told me that his fiancé’s sister couldn’t do what I wanted and that I should look for a different design. I was heartbroken, but took the news in stride and began searching for a different cake design. Luckily, I found one and sent it to my dad.

A few days after that, my dad called and said she couldn’t do that cake design either. This time I was a little taken back and started to ask more questions. Why couldn’t she do these designs? What should I be looking for if the two examples I had already given weren’t doable? I was confused.

So, I sought counsel from my mother, who gave me the reassurance I needed. “Don’t sacrifice the cake you want, for the sole purpose of keeping it in the family,” she said. She told me that I deserved to make my four-inch-magazine-cut-out cake a reality for my big day, and that I should search high and low until I found a cake designer who understood how important this cake was to me.

Needless to say, I took her advice and am now searching for a remarkable cake designer who will make a wedding cake that is as spectacular as the four-inch picture I’ve been drooling over for the last four months.

So take this as a token of advice. Your wedding day is supposed to be everything you want, so make it that way. If you run into a vendor who can’t make your dream a reality, keep looking. Because I believe that dreams do come true – even if the dream is based on a small, torn magazine photo.

An unexpected gift

By Sarah

When Tony and I announced that we were engaged, the first thing my grandmother said was, “Are you going to decorate my walker?” Followed by, “Who’s going to walk me down the aisle?”

Even on oxygen, who knows how many pills and later a broken tailbone, she never thought whether she could make the trip from Rochester, N.Y., to Des Moines, but when could she get here.

Worried that her health wouldn’t hold up long enough for the ceremony, Tony, my mom and I flew out to see her shortly after our engagement. She was never blessed with a sense of fashion, so my mom and I took it upon ourselves that trip to buy her a new outfit complete with black strappy sandals and a beaded top, which she proudly talked about with her friends as the trip approached.

It meant so much to her to see her first grandchild get married and even more for us to have her there – one of only two grandparents still in our lives between the two of us and the only one who could make it.

Despite failing health, she looked radiant that day as she put her walker aside and used my brother’s arm for support as she walked down the aisle. She engaged my friends and Tony’s family in conversation, and they later told me how charming she was and how grateful they were to have met her. At the reception, there was a moment where she hummed along with the saxophone player, who was playing one of her favorite songs from the “old days.”

We didn’t realize just how lucky we were until she died two weeks ago, a little more than six months after the ceremony.

As I look back at pictures of her from that day, I realized it was the happiest, healthiest and most vibrant she had looked in a long time. It was an event that she held on to throughout that year and wouldn’t give up until she had a chance to be a part of it all. She hated missing out on anything.

For us, it became one of our greatest blessings.

Picture not-so-perfect

By Marjorie

Engagement pictures. It’s just another sign that I’m really doing this. I’m getting married. And well, let’s just say getting the engagement photographs taken was an experience of its own.

Now when I think about getting photos taken, I think about nice matching outfits, a happy fiancé and a cordial photographer. Well, let’s just say I had two out of the three – I was missing the happy fiancé.

Driving home to Cedar Rapids the Friday night before our pictures, I kept imagining different outfits and color combinations that would look best for our picture. Should we wear bright colors since it’s summer? No, he won’t go for that. Should we wear black since we’re having a black-and-white affair for our wedding? No, then we will look like we are going to a funeral. So that’s when I made the final judgment call: We would both wear white.

When I arrived at my fiancé’s house, I greeted him with the great idea that we would both wear white for our engagement pictures. I told him he would wear a white cotton, button-up dress shirt and I would wear a white cotton, sleeveless dress. I could picture the amazing photos in my head.

Little to my surprise, the sugarplum fairies dancing in my head in white cotton outfits came to a quick end the following morning when we were both trying to get ready for our 9 a.m. photo shoot. His jeans didn’t match mine, his sleeves weren’t rolled-up evenly, and he gelled his hair straight down?!? He always gels his hair spiked and messy. This was not the scenario I had dreamt about the night before.

So as I moaned and groaned in the car on the way to the photo shoot, griping because his hair was gelled straight down, I came to my senses. I do not, and will not, be one of those crazy bridezillas that I see on the WE channel.

I can’t control my fiancé’s jean color, or the way he styles his hair. And does it really, truly matter if one sleeve is rolled up more than the other? Well, not to him, and that is why I love him. These small things almost ruined our engagement photo session, and very well could have been reflected in the pictures.

Now I finally understand what it means when my mom always tells me: “Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s all small stuff.”

Setting the scene

By Marjorie

If you had asked me a year ago if I had any thoughts on marriage, I probably would have laughed and said, “Don’t do it.” With a string of bad marriages in my family, my optimism on the sacred union wasn’t too high. But after being exposed to my fiancé and his incredible family, my pessimism turned around and I realized that Tyler and I would be the strongest married couple ever, thanks to his family.

Tyler’s mom and dad have been married for over 25 years and they are the exemplary couple. They share with us their tactics on managing finances, handling arguments and the importance of maintaining friendship. Absorbing their marriage and seeing how it has been reflected in their son gives me assurance that Tyler and I will be in the same spot 25 years from now – crazy, madly in love!

Having met six years ago, I’m convinced Tyler knows me better than I know myself, and vice versa. We have spent more than three of the past six years in a dating relationship and have been engaged for more than six months. We are each other’s No. 1 fan, support each other 100 percent and are ready to conquer our futures together.

And on November 8, I will get to officially proclaim my love for Tyler and leave the planning, the chaos and the mess of organizing a wedding behind me. So join me in my trek to the altar, because in approximately four months, the pre-wedding hassle will be over and the honeymoon rendezvous will begin.

Standing on the sidelines

One of my good high school friends got married last weekend. It was the first time Tony and I had been to a wedding since our own, and as the day approached, I was interested to see what it would be like from the sidelines.

It felt romantic to watch the bride and groom go through what we had experienced only a few months ago and I felt more touched than before to share in their event. I was quick to stand up as she walked down the aisle and to compliment the couple on how beautiful they looked. I clapped harder when they were introduced as Mr. and Mrs. and tried to be one of the first on the dance floor.

It also was easy to start comparing: Was our ceremony as intimate? Did we get more people on the dance floor? Was the food as delicious? But I realized, it’s just different.

Though millions of couples get married every year, the choices they’ve made along the way make their event one-of-a-kind. I had grown apart from my friend since she moved to Colorado for college, but seeing the colors of her bridesmaid dresses (blue, one of her favorite colors), the dress (mermaid shaped, which only she could pull off) or the cake (with funky stripes) reminded me of her fun and quirky personality.

They also came up with things I never would have thought of, such as using goldfish as table decorations (though I had to wonder what happened to the poor fish after the party) and a photo booth for a guest book. I loved the appetizers before dinner, no assigned seating and, best of all, Fat Tire on tap! And wished other parts had been better, such as the dancing (which waned for a bit when the photo booth arrived late, just as the dance began). Then again, the groom got up on the stage and started doing karaoke, which immediately got people rolling.

It reminded me that no matter how many people have gone through it before, it feels as though you’re the first. And it is special because of who you are and what the two of you have become.

Web site basics

The thought of making a Web site for your wedding may seem like a tedious project, but in today’s technologically savvy era, it’s the best way to communicate with your guests, build excitement for the wedding and even collect RSVPs.

Plus, many programs give you the basic template; all you have to do is fill in the content.

I used http://www.weddingtracker.com/. The design is very basic – you only get to choose from a few template options – but it offers several categories, including a couple of pages you can customize. It’s more in-depth than The Knot (which offers a free one-page-only Web site), and you get a discount for being a Knot member (which costs nothing to join).

The sections on our site were:

Introduction: A photograph of Tony and me with a short biography detailing how we met.

Events: The name of the church and reception site, time of each event and directions.

Accommodations: A couple of hotel options with direct links to their Web sites.

Attendants: A photo and fun description of each person in the wedding party. This section received the biggest reaction.

Photo album: We posted photos of our new house before the wedding, and then wedding and honeymoon photos afterward, which people could order directly from the Web site.

Registry: Links to where we registered (so we didn’t have to put them in the invitation – a faux pas).

Things to do: A special section with a list of activities for our out-of-town guests to explore, with some emergency contact information as well.

Guest book: A place where people could post a message (which I had to approve before it went public to avoid spam).

RSVP: Rather than send reply cards through the mail, our guests could enter a password and reply directly on the Web site. (It saved on postage costs and paper!)

Another popular idea (which we chose not to do) is to give your guest a poll, such as where you should take your honeymoon.

Though it took a while to compile all the information, it was worth it to see the number of page views and guest book comments we received. We also avoided having to call guests individually to tell them where to stay or how to get to the church.

Just make sure to print the Web address on your Save-the-Date cards and invitations.

Best advice: research a program you like and take the time to develop a Web site. It’s a great way to personalize your wedding, share information with guests (who often forget the details and need a reference) and start putting the pieces of your wedding together.

Keeping your focus

As I watch some of my friends start the wedding planning process and others nearing the big day, I am reminded of the chaos I too experienced. The constant to-do lists, badgering of parents and planners to make decisions and the rush-and-wait, rush-and-wait pace of the past year.

The first couple of months were especially tough, as we had to quickly decide where to host the wedding and reception to determine the date. Then came the constant tasks of picking a caterer, flower person, band, etc. And eventually, the final two weeks I went into hyper mode. I was doing something every waking minute, whether it was running errands or finishing work projects before my two-week vacation.

Planning a wedding becomes a part-time job. And being so overwhelmed most of the time, I often broke down or would forgo personal time. Though this is an obvious consequence of taking on any major project, there are ways to keep it all in perspective. Here are a few ideas that will help you take a deep breath and regain focus of your life.

Have a date night. Keep one night open each week to hang out with your fiancé. Turn off your cellphone; don’t run errands. Instead, plan something fun, whether it’s going out to eat or going on a walk. Just enjoy spending time together.

Go girls’ night. Not the bachelorette party kind. Just the one where you sit around with your best friends and watch a movie or grab a few drinks. Wedding talk is off limits. Remember, you picked your pals because you enjoy hanging out with them, not because they’re good planners or errand runners. (Idea compliments of a co-worker.)

Exercise. It sounds simple, because most prospective brides want to look their best on their big day anyway, but it’s easy to let activities go when you’re so busy. Plan your workout schedule at the start of each week and try to stick to it. Invite a friend to go on a weekly walk, so you can catch up at the same time.

Plan a mini vacation. It doesn’t have to be more than a day getaway, but pick a fun destination a few hours away and get out of town.

Make time for you. Set aside a few minutes every day to read, write in a journal or play guitar. Anything that rejuvenates you.

Celebrate your progress. Invite your parents and his out to dinner to talk about your accomplishments so far. Don’t go with an agenda of things that need to get discussed about the wedding. Instead, enjoy the meal and the company.

Relax as you plan. Buy a nice bottle of wine, order takeout, and cuddle up with your fiancé to talk about your wedding. That way you get a date and some important wedding topics discussed. (Idea compliments of a co-worker.)

Coming up next: Designing a Web site

10 ways to wow your guests

A memorable reception starts with personal touches that reflect you and your fiancé’s personality and ends with little surprises that are unlike anything your guests have seen before. Is there a cultural tradition or an activity you and your husband-to-be are crazy about that you could share? Is there something you’ve always wanted to have at a party but are afraid “it’s not how a traditional wedding is supposed to be”?

Forget what you think has to be done and get creative with these aha! reception ideas:

1. Capture those candid moments by renting a digital camera package. YouShoot gives you a set of cameras to hand out to trusted family members and friends. When you return the cameras, the company uploads all the photos to a Web site that you and guests can order prints from. For guests who bring their own cameras, give them a CD to burn their photos onto and a pre-stamped envelope to send to the company, so it can upload their photos to the site.

2. Personalize your guest book by sending out pages to close family and friends before the wedding and have them create their own design that will get pasted into your book.

3. Hire a pianist, a cappella group, magician or other entertainer to amuse your guests during a cocktail hour or between courses. What about hiring a young artist who can paint a picture of you and your fiancé during the party as a keepsake?

4. Do you have a grandmother or friend who has a renowned dish? Have them make it for the reception. On a budget? Encourage a few friends and relatives to each make a dish to create an appetizer or dessert buffet. Label each food with the cook’s name.

5. Forget the cake and go for a dessert buffet. Have a sundae bar or set out jars of candy around the room. (Tip: Candy dishes can make colorful decorations!)

6. If you couldn’t say vows, light a unity candle or have another tradition you wanted at your ceremony, do it at the reception. Instead of vows, my husband and I each gave a toast to each other before recognizing our guests.

7. Rather than a sit-down dinner, set up tasting bars with heavy hors d’oeuvres around the room. Plan on fewer chairs than number of guests and instead, put up taller tables for a bar-like setting that gets guests mingling. Even consider creating a lounge room with comfortable couches in one area; offer cigars and liquor.

8. Lighting can be the best way to set the mood. Dim the lights and put rows of tea candles along windowsills. Hide ugly light fixtures with Chinese lanterns or other fun coverings.

9. Instead of a slide show that distracts your guests, put photo albums of you and your new spouse around the room for people to look at while taking a break from dancing.

10. If you’re one to party all night, throw an after-reception party. Just tell guests by word of mouth that you’ll be heading to your favorite local bar after the reception ends. Have them pay their way or set up an open tab beforehand.

Have a good reception idea? Please share!

Reception essentials

Planning your once-in-a-lifetime event starts with a blank slate. One choice can completely change the look and feel of the party and it is likely where you'll blow most of your wedding budget.

Before you get overwhelmed, here's a list of the biggest pieces you'll have to consider. I'll delve into each in future postings, but for now, I hope this gives you a layout from which you can begin planning.

Style: What do you envision for your reception? An afternoon tea party? A dance beneath the stars? A traditional ball in a historic hotel? This vision will affect all other decisions, so spend time brainstorming before you move forward. Books and Web sites (The Knot is always good) can help spark your imagination. Just keep in mind, you don't need to have a theme like "Under the Sea" or a masquerade ball. Think more in terms of the mood and experience you want to create.

Location: The style will likely dictate where you host your reception, but a cool location can also become the basis for your style. Look for funky places - a rooftop, garden or museum. (See my "Reception sites" posting in April for a list of Central Iowa locations). Many locations, especially hotels, have a set menu and drink list for you to choose from, so if you have a favorite caterer, you may need to pick a place that's a little more flexible.

Music: A band is far more expensive than a disc jockey, but for us, it was worth every penny to get the entire room up and dancing. Also consider background music. We hired a saxophone player to play for a couple of hours before the entire band came on stage.

Food and drinks: Again, hotels, country clubs and some other locations may make you use their chefs and will tack on a food and beverage service fee, while other locations may charge you to rent their facility but then let you choose a caterer and bring in your own drinks. Make sure you weigh these costs into your budget.

Decorations: I was surprised by how much flowers cost, but it took a lot to fill the open space we rented and set the scene. Some places include decorations, such as tablecloths (usually in black or white) and candles, as part of the total cost, but it's usually basic.

Details: Think party favors, guest book, disposable cameras ... all the little surprises that make an event exciting to your guests. Some of these can add a lot to the total cost, while others are just nice touches you can make to reflect your personality. For example, I printed quotations about love on soft paper, framed them in gold picture frames and set them around the room as a romantic touch.

Coming up next: Aha! reception ideas

Ceremonial blues

Standing at the altar, your hands shaking as they lie gently in his, rows of family and friends focused on you, the priest in front of you reciting a verse that will unify you as husband and wife. It is the most intense and passionate moment you will ever share with your significant other.

Yet planning it is a much, much different story.

As I’ve said before, I agreed to have a traditional Catholic wedding in the downtown cathedral. My husband and his family are Catholic, and it was the church where he was baptized. I agreed, thinking that I could still personalize the ceremony – we would say vows, light a unity candle and throw rose petals as we walked down the aisle.

I am not a very traditional woman and certainly don’t like doing what someone has done before. Yet as I sat in the church with rows of other couples to learn what we could and couldn’t do from a wedding planner who had been through so many ceremonies that she had it down to a science, I realized my dream ceremony would be dictated by a 16-page packet of rules and suggestions that felt more like demands than advice.

The vows and unity candles were out because of church rules. Rose petals would have to be cleaned up immediately following the event, which seemed like more trouble than it was worth. We could have only one candle – a memorial candle. We had two song options for each part of the ceremony – which, I will admit, the wedding planner sang beautifully with the organist playing – but we couldn’t agree on a good time for my friend to play piano and I eventually gave up.

None of the church decorations could be moved and we had to do pictures beforehand so that we were out of the church soon after the ceremony ended. Each passage that was to be read had been dwindled down to choices A, B or C and had been read at thousands of wedding ceremonies before us.

How could this be personal?

But I later found some aspects that I loved about getting married in the church, most important of which was its meaning to Tony, which made it personal. I liked the idea of getting married “before God” and to do it in a space so absolutely gorgeous that it almost made your heart stop as you stood in front. Plus, the church has a counseling process for couples, which helped get us to think past the wedding to what our life would be like afterward.

And when it came time to walk down the aisle, it felt deeply personal – way more than I imagined during orientation. I shook the whole time, our parents cried during “Ave Maria,” and our friends later said they were touched by the way Tony and I looked into each other’s eyes as we said our vows. I actually found it special to go through a ceremonial process so many other couples throughout the centuries had gone through.

My best advice is to keep in mind that if you decide to get married in a church, you will have to comply with the traditions and rules of that religion and community and do so with respect. You may not have your complete vision, but the ceremony ultimately is about your marriage, not the details. Focus on the big picture here and plan one heck of a reception!

Coming up: How to plan one heck of a reception

Dress buying tips

Though finding the perfect wedding dress was probably the easiest decision I ever made, the process of actually buying it was way more stressful. I was bombarded with so many extra decisions I wasn’t prepared to make that quickly ended my ecstatic state.

Here are a few things to keep in mind so you don’t experience the same panic I did:

Buy your dress as early as possible. We found that most stores need six to eight months(!) to order the dress or you could pay huge fees to have it rush-delivered. The earlier you order, the sooner you receive it so you avoid any last-minute problems. If you’re worried about gaining or losing weight, a dress with a corset back allows you to go up or down about one full dress size, while a zipper back will likely require some tailoring.

Make an appointment with the wedding boutique ahead of time, because especially on weekends or during peak dress-buying season (shortly after the holidays), stores will only accept reservations. In fact, consider going during a weekday or a midweek evening, when you’ll be more relaxed and the saleswomen can focus just on you.

Be prepared to buy (or at least consider buying) your bridesmaid dresses and accessories when you buy your dress. Many stores offer a discount if you buy your wedding dress during your first visit to the store and also extend the discount to bridesmaid dresses and accessories. Though it was a stressful decision I wasn’t prepared to make, my bridesmaid dresses were a lot cheaper (and nicer quality) by taking Schaffer’s 15 percent discount.

But don’t go overboard. I made the mistake of purchasing my shoes at the same time. When my dress arrived six months later, it was a tad too long with the shoes I had purchased (for more than $100!) and it was cheaper to buy taller heals than get the dress altered. Unless there is something you absolutely love, I would hold off buying accessories. You can find a lot more – and less expensive – options for shoes and hairpieces online than in Des Moines. Order a few items and ship the ones you don’t like back (just double-check return policies).

Think about tailoring costs, including the cost of putting in a bustle to hold up the train of your dress. This can be a couple hundred dollars depending on the dress. I found it cheaper to go with my personal tailor than with the store’s tailor.

Give yourself plenty of time. Plan on being at the store a few hours. Bring friends and make it a fun.

Coming up next: What to expect with the wedding ceremony.

THE dress

I’m standing in the center of the room, a white dress flowing around me. In one corner is a sectional array of mirrors; in the other, my mother, mother-in-law and family friend sitting in cushioned chairs gasping at the sight of THE dress I would wear on my wedding day.

Minutes before, I was standing in the dressing room questioning whether the saleswoman was crazy. The dress was a mix of materials, with a thin mesh lining crisscrossing below a sweetheart top and a thick line of lace and beads that went diagonally from my right chest to my left hip. It was tied tightly with a corset back. The bottom flowed out into a full train with the same delicate mesh lining as on top and outlined with beads and lace.

Now I’m not a big shopper, and when I do buy something, it tends to be simple and classic. But when I put this dress on – and even tried on other dresses afterward – I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was stunning!

The experience was almost a letdown. It was my one chance to shop for a wedding dress and I found it in the second store I visited. Yet later I felt relieved when I realized it would be the easiest decision I would make that year. It just felt right.

I consider myself lucky, compared with the horror dress-shopping experiences I’ve heard from friends, but I also attribute some of it to a willingness to step outside my comfort zone and try on styles I’ve never been daring enough to wear (granted with a little coaxing from friends). I had only a vague image of what I wanted – I never even looked in a wedding magazine – and discovered that what I thought would look good often didn’t, and was surprised by the dresses I did like.

BEST ADVICE: Your wedding is your chance to stand out and to truly express your style. Bring a friend, your mom or whomever and be willing to try on anything even remotely resembling a wedding dress (or at least any dress within your price range). And think outside the box. A straight top can be altered into a sweetheart top or some straps or sleeves can be cut off. (Just remember that tailoring can be expensive, so keep it within reason.)

This was one of the most fun wedding experiences I had, largely due to my willingness to let loose and be daring.

Coming up next: The logistics of buying a wedding dress. What you must know!

Picking your friends

I despised the idea of having to rank my friends. I have never had what you would call a “best” friend, but rather admire different characteristics in each of my friends. One is the perfect person to call if I’m having a problem, while another is someone I can grab a drink with after work.

So when it came down to picking the “top five” for the wedding party, I struggled. But at the same time, I felt like it was the first decision I had to make. I was worried that everyone was watching, waiting, wondering.

In an ideal world, it doesn’t matter whom you pick, because you’re the bride and it’s your day. But the truth is that it can be a reality check on where your relationships stand. And you’ll begin to realize your friends’ true colors as you start asking for help. I wasn’t close to my cousin, who lives in Philadelphia, before the wedding. But asking her to be my bridesmaid strengthened our friendship, and I found her to be a huge support as she patiently ran errands with me and comforted me as we drove to my parents’ house the night before the wedding.

My biggest suggestion is to think hard about what you value in each of your friends and pick people who you know will be willing to selflessly be there to help you when you need it. All of my bridesmaids lived out of town, but they spent their time – and money – setting up a girls’ weekend in Chicago before the wedding and ran around tirelessly on the wedding day to make sure I had everything I needed (even getting up at 5 a.m. to get our hair done and giving up socializing with out-of-town guests to help run errands).

You also don’t have to pick your bridesmaids and be done. I asked two good friends from high school to be personal attendants, knowing both would be in town to help plan, and invited friends from out-of-town to the rehearsal dinner to say thank you for making the trip. Be honest with them; tell them how much you value their friendship and want them to still feel a part of your celebration even though they’re not in the main party.

Also consider having just one friend or parent or relative or even a guy friend stand beside you at the ceremony if you can’t decide on a party. Or, if you have way more bridesmaids than your fiancé, agree to have an uneven number (more than five gets a little crowded).

It is your wedding, so you call the shots. And ultimately, a true friend will respect your decision.

All about the money

Costs may be one of the most frustrating things about wedding planning. They can take your dream wedding and crush it into a plain and boring event – if you let them.

I found the whole process of estimating costs exasperating, with so many “surprise” expenses you can’t possibly predict until you’ve been through it. There are the hair decorations (a veil can cost hundreds of dollars!), disposable cameras, pedicures and manicures, candles for decoration, bottled water for guests, accommodations for in between the ceremony and reception … Wedding books offered ideas on what to include in the budget, but I found their cost estimates way off what we were looking at locally.

Basically, there really is no good way to know what to expect until you sit down and compare your vision with what financial resources you have available. Every wedding is so personal that I found it difficult to compare expenses. While we splurged on a band, someone else might splurge on a wedding dress. We had help from our parents, while other couples may be trying to pay for everything themselves.

So, here are some tips for maximizing your resources.

1. Prioritize. My dad requested – no, demanded – that we have a band (not that we argued). We also wanted a great reception site and memorable food. From there, we tried to minimize the cost of other details, such as renting a van rather than a limousine.
   
   
2. Utilize your resources. My mother’s colleague made the desserts, the photographer I work with took the photos, and I borrowed a veil from a friend. These tend to be less expensive options than going with someone you don’t know.
   
   
3. Compare. Shop online for deals or check out a few vendors around town. My mother had a knack for keeping an eye out for discounts, such as for our party favors, which we ordered in bulk online and put together ourselves. Also, sometimes searching for an item without using the word “wedding” can lead to cheaper results. Vendors love to jack up prices for brides! Try ordering a white-frosted cake instead of a “wedding” cake.
   
   
4. Get creative. We made our own invitations and found reception decorations from pieces around my parents’ home. These touches made the wedding more personal as well.
   
   
5. Be realistic. It takes time to research prices and make invitations, so if you don’t have the time, plan to spend a little more for services. The additional costs can be worth it. For us, we spent a little more to have our florist set everything up for the reception, but it meant that we didn’t have to spend the night before the wedding working on it. I recommend being hands-off the day of the wedding. Enjoy it!

Coming up next: picking the wedding party

Reception sites

Here’s a list of some of the reception sites we looked at in Greater Des Moines. Any other great ones I’m missing?

• Sticks Inc. gallery (We had our reception here. Very funky with huge windows. And you can bring in your own beverages. There is a fee to rent the facility.)
• The Capitol Room (Located on the second floor of an East Village building, cheaper than many other options we looked at)
• Hyperion Field Club (Amazing view, but no access to the patio; the room is big, but horseshoe-shaped so it’s hard to have everyone in one area)
• Des Moines Art Center (The outdoor patio is a great location for a dancing; better site for a small outdoor wedding)
• The Embassy Club (40th-floor view! Small fee to rent, but food and beverages are pricier than most options)
• The Temple for Performing Arts (nice downtown location)
• The State Historical Building (You can rent out the rooftop terrace.)
• Water Works Park (Wedding ceremonies at the fountain and gazebo areas can be booked from May 15 though the first weekend in October; park shelters can also be rented)
• Summerset Winery (Our friends had their reception there. It has great views and wonderful deck, but a long way from Des Moines)
• Salisbury House (Gorgeous location. Pricey on Saturdays (other days available) and short time limit; needs to be outdoors unless it is a small wedding)

Budge (a little)

If I had had my way, I would have been married barefoot in a plain white dress on the bank of the pond on my family’s farm. The wedding would have been with just a handful of family and friends, followed by a big-blowout party underneath the stars of the fall sky. But I wasn’t marrying myself.

This realization happened quickly in the wedding process, when Tony informed me that getting married in the Catholic Church was the most important thing to him and his family. Because I’m not affiliated with a religion, I acquiesced, still hoping that we would have the reception out in the farm field. Then came the questions of how to get all those people a half-hour out of the city with no hotel for at least 15 miles and whether Kybos would be too tacky for people in their best attire.

Tony wanted to get married in St. Ambrose Cathedral downtown, where he was baptized. We were lucky to get two options for dates within the year, a Saturday at the end of August or Oct. 27. October would still allow us to have our dream fall wedding, but knowing that by then the weather turns fickle, I gave up my last hope of a farm reception.

I felt crushed at the time, especially when I attended the church orientation by myself (Tony was out of town) and learned of all the things I couldn’t do for the ceremony. The biggest blow, on Page 11 of the 16-page packet, was the line “no personalized vows are allowed.” Being a writer, that meant the most to me at the time. At that point, I felt like I was giving up everything that meant something to me.

But starting over proved to be one of the best things that could have happened because it gave Tony and me a chance to create a vision that matched who both of us were.

We mapped out our priorities – ceremony in the church, a reception anywhere indoors except a hotel (personal preference) – and began working on a list of potential reception sites. The list actually turned out more interesting than I imagined and gave us a chance to consider some cool places in Des Moines, such as the Des Moines Art Center, the Embassy Club and the Botanical Center.

We eventually settled on Sticks, a large studio on the outskirts of Des Moines with huge windows shadowed by old scraggly trees. And I set out with the intention of adding decorations that would bring the outdoors inside – at least I would have the outdoor farm feel in an open, stark and funky place.

In the end, we had a vision that meant something to both of us and was a creation of our lives coming together, not a dream either one of us had.

Did you have a similar experience? What did you give up in your original wedding vision? Where did you choose to get married? Why?

Stay tuned: On Wednesday, I’ll post a list of reception sites we looked at around Des Moines. Feel free to add to the list!