THE dress

I’m standing in the center of the room, a white dress flowing around me. In one corner is a sectional array of mirrors; in the other, my mother, mother-in-law and family friend sitting in cushioned chairs gasping at the sight of THE dress I would wear on my wedding day.

Minutes before, I was standing in the dressing room questioning whether the saleswoman was crazy. The dress was a mix of materials, with a thin mesh lining crisscrossing below a sweetheart top and a thick line of lace and beads that went diagonally from my right chest to my left hip. It was tied tightly with a corset back. The bottom flowed out into a full train with the same delicate mesh lining as on top and outlined with beads and lace.

Now I’m not a big shopper, and when I do buy something, it tends to be simple and classic. But when I put this dress on – and even tried on other dresses afterward – I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was stunning!

The experience was almost a letdown. It was my one chance to shop for a wedding dress and I found it in the second store I visited. Yet later I felt relieved when I realized it would be the easiest decision I would make that year. It just felt right.

I consider myself lucky, compared with the horror dress-shopping experiences I’ve heard from friends, but I also attribute some of it to a willingness to step outside my comfort zone and try on styles I’ve never been daring enough to wear (granted with a little coaxing from friends). I had only a vague image of what I wanted – I never even looked in a wedding magazine – and discovered that what I thought would look good often didn’t, and was surprised by the dresses I did like.

BEST ADVICE: Your wedding is your chance to stand out and to truly express your style. Bring a friend, your mom or whomever and be willing to try on anything even remotely resembling a wedding dress (or at least any dress within your price range). And think outside the box. A straight top can be altered into a sweetheart top or some straps or sleeves can be cut off. (Just remember that tailoring can be expensive, so keep it within reason.)

This was one of the most fun wedding experiences I had, largely due to my willingness to let loose and be daring.

Coming up next: The logistics of buying a wedding dress. What you must know!

Picking your friends

I despised the idea of having to rank my friends. I have never had what you would call a “best” friend, but rather admire different characteristics in each of my friends. One is the perfect person to call if I’m having a problem, while another is someone I can grab a drink with after work.

So when it came down to picking the “top five” for the wedding party, I struggled. But at the same time, I felt like it was the first decision I had to make. I was worried that everyone was watching, waiting, wondering.

In an ideal world, it doesn’t matter whom you pick, because you’re the bride and it’s your day. But the truth is that it can be a reality check on where your relationships stand. And you’ll begin to realize your friends’ true colors as you start asking for help. I wasn’t close to my cousin, who lives in Philadelphia, before the wedding. But asking her to be my bridesmaid strengthened our friendship, and I found her to be a huge support as she patiently ran errands with me and comforted me as we drove to my parents’ house the night before the wedding.

My biggest suggestion is to think hard about what you value in each of your friends and pick people who you know will be willing to selflessly be there to help you when you need it. All of my bridesmaids lived out of town, but they spent their time – and money – setting up a girls’ weekend in Chicago before the wedding and ran around tirelessly on the wedding day to make sure I had everything I needed (even getting up at 5 a.m. to get our hair done and giving up socializing with out-of-town guests to help run errands).

You also don’t have to pick your bridesmaids and be done. I asked two good friends from high school to be personal attendants, knowing both would be in town to help plan, and invited friends from out-of-town to the rehearsal dinner to say thank you for making the trip. Be honest with them; tell them how much you value their friendship and want them to still feel a part of your celebration even though they’re not in the main party.

Also consider having just one friend or parent or relative or even a guy friend stand beside you at the ceremony if you can’t decide on a party. Or, if you have way more bridesmaids than your fiancé, agree to have an uneven number (more than five gets a little crowded).

It is your wedding, so you call the shots. And ultimately, a true friend will respect your decision.

All about the money

Costs may be one of the most frustrating things about wedding planning. They can take your dream wedding and crush it into a plain and boring event – if you let them.

I found the whole process of estimating costs exasperating, with so many “surprise” expenses you can’t possibly predict until you’ve been through it. There are the hair decorations (a veil can cost hundreds of dollars!), disposable cameras, pedicures and manicures, candles for decoration, bottled water for guests, accommodations for in between the ceremony and reception … Wedding books offered ideas on what to include in the budget, but I found their cost estimates way off what we were looking at locally.

Basically, there really is no good way to know what to expect until you sit down and compare your vision with what financial resources you have available. Every wedding is so personal that I found it difficult to compare expenses. While we splurged on a band, someone else might splurge on a wedding dress. We had help from our parents, while other couples may be trying to pay for everything themselves.

So, here are some tips for maximizing your resources.

1. Prioritize. My dad requested – no, demanded – that we have a band (not that we argued). We also wanted a great reception site and memorable food. From there, we tried to minimize the cost of other details, such as renting a van rather than a limousine.
   
   
2. Utilize your resources. My mother’s colleague made the desserts, the photographer I work with took the photos, and I borrowed a veil from a friend. These tend to be less expensive options than going with someone you don’t know.
   
   
3. Compare. Shop online for deals or check out a few vendors around town. My mother had a knack for keeping an eye out for discounts, such as for our party favors, which we ordered in bulk online and put together ourselves. Also, sometimes searching for an item without using the word “wedding” can lead to cheaper results. Vendors love to jack up prices for brides! Try ordering a white-frosted cake instead of a “wedding” cake.
   
   
4. Get creative. We made our own invitations and found reception decorations from pieces around my parents’ home. These touches made the wedding more personal as well.
   
   
5. Be realistic. It takes time to research prices and make invitations, so if you don’t have the time, plan to spend a little more for services. The additional costs can be worth it. For us, we spent a little more to have our florist set everything up for the reception, but it meant that we didn’t have to spend the night before the wedding working on it. I recommend being hands-off the day of the wedding. Enjoy it!

Coming up next: picking the wedding party

Reception sites

Here’s a list of some of the reception sites we looked at in Greater Des Moines. Any other great ones I’m missing?

• Sticks Inc. gallery (We had our reception here. Very funky with huge windows. And you can bring in your own beverages. There is a fee to rent the facility.)
• The Capitol Room (Located on the second floor of an East Village building, cheaper than many other options we looked at)
• Hyperion Field Club (Amazing view, but no access to the patio; the room is big, but horseshoe-shaped so it’s hard to have everyone in one area)
• Des Moines Art Center (The outdoor patio is a great location for a dancing; better site for a small outdoor wedding)
• The Embassy Club (40th-floor view! Small fee to rent, but food and beverages are pricier than most options)
• The Temple for Performing Arts (nice downtown location)
• The State Historical Building (You can rent out the rooftop terrace.)
• Water Works Park (Wedding ceremonies at the fountain and gazebo areas can be booked from May 15 though the first weekend in October; park shelters can also be rented)
• Summerset Winery (Our friends had their reception there. It has great views and wonderful deck, but a long way from Des Moines)
• Salisbury House (Gorgeous location. Pricey on Saturdays (other days available) and short time limit; needs to be outdoors unless it is a small wedding)

Budge (a little)

If I had had my way, I would have been married barefoot in a plain white dress on the bank of the pond on my family’s farm. The wedding would have been with just a handful of family and friends, followed by a big-blowout party underneath the stars of the fall sky. But I wasn’t marrying myself.

This realization happened quickly in the wedding process, when Tony informed me that getting married in the Catholic Church was the most important thing to him and his family. Because I’m not affiliated with a religion, I acquiesced, still hoping that we would have the reception out in the farm field. Then came the questions of how to get all those people a half-hour out of the city with no hotel for at least 15 miles and whether Kybos would be too tacky for people in their best attire.

Tony wanted to get married in St. Ambrose Cathedral downtown, where he was baptized. We were lucky to get two options for dates within the year, a Saturday at the end of August or Oct. 27. October would still allow us to have our dream fall wedding, but knowing that by then the weather turns fickle, I gave up my last hope of a farm reception.

I felt crushed at the time, especially when I attended the church orientation by myself (Tony was out of town) and learned of all the things I couldn’t do for the ceremony. The biggest blow, on Page 11 of the 16-page packet, was the line “no personalized vows are allowed.” Being a writer, that meant the most to me at the time. At that point, I felt like I was giving up everything that meant something to me.

But starting over proved to be one of the best things that could have happened because it gave Tony and me a chance to create a vision that matched who both of us were.

We mapped out our priorities – ceremony in the church, a reception anywhere indoors except a hotel (personal preference) – and began working on a list of potential reception sites. The list actually turned out more interesting than I imagined and gave us a chance to consider some cool places in Des Moines, such as the Des Moines Art Center, the Embassy Club and the Botanical Center.

We eventually settled on Sticks, a large studio on the outskirts of Des Moines with huge windows shadowed by old scraggly trees. And I set out with the intention of adding decorations that would bring the outdoors inside – at least I would have the outdoor farm feel in an open, stark and funky place.

In the end, we had a vision that meant something to both of us and was a creation of our lives coming together, not a dream either one of us had.

Did you have a similar experience? What did you give up in your original wedding vision? Where did you choose to get married? Why?

Stay tuned: On Wednesday, I’ll post a list of reception sites we looked at around Des Moines. Feel free to add to the list!